What The Hell Marlena?

It's a Saturday Night and i'm home with no plans.

I HAD plans, but what was once so strong I'm alienated from.

My first year of highschool is starting on monday, so i guess it's a good thing that i am being forced out of old habits, new beginnings.

Am i going to End up like these Self Centered "Too good for you" girls though? I don't think so, i really hope not. I mean those are the people i'm being rejected by.

I'm learning little by little, but still I refuse to make a change; I know where to go but somethings keeping my foot down.

 

 

 

 

 

ASSHOLES.

So i'll start off saying, that I'm not too sure where this will lead to. It may stay on topic or run terribly off the wide road caused by a imitation of what i'm trying to bring to everyone's attention. You might disagree or agree, which ever I'm fine with, you may even find me to be an ignorant sonofabitch but all in all I'm just a pile of dust in this universe all i want to do is turn into a planet. blah blah blah. BUT ANYWAYS. this is going to be posted whether i'm satisfied with it or not.

The sixies was a great and revolutionary time in history. at that time there was awareness in the minds of nicotene adicted junkies, if it could be found there then what would lead me or anyone else to believe that it couldn't even be found in the sane? Media was over flowed with remember names. Characters that can still be viewed as heroes for THIS generation. I look back and i see that every decade has one to hold. where are we? what are we going to become? again with my constant questions that aren't very well thought out before typed, these questions that could easily be answered if i only overlooked them for a second more. what i'll do for you know is spare your time and use mine. We are in the 21st century, I don't even know if we're part of a new early age or the end of these years as walking clumps of what can be found around us. Do the scientist even know what they're talking about? theories theories that's all i hear. i want the facts. WHAT ARE WE? what are we becomming? We're in the process of some fad that is only an imposter of what was seen during something that our virgin eyes will never even witness. All of our music sounds like robots talking, wow really original since it was predicted to be like this by media ever since i have no idea when. the 21st century, the time of technology. Technology has ups and downs, but how is it really helping us? It's ripping us away from what we all really are! and go ahead and yell it! i'm a HYPOCRIT! and i'm not afraid to face what the MEDIA has turned the youth into! I sholudn't be one to talk. i hate the media. I want to be part of it. i'm soon to be apart of what i hate staring at, no it's not envy that i have a fixed gaze on, it's what is controlling the predicted robots that we will all become, or were, or are apart of. I REFUSE to be apart of scums scientist inventions. take me away from this place where there is not even a place to glimpse at originality. you sonsofbitches! WHAT ARE YOU DISCOVERING! have they even stopped to consider the loop holes in this mess of widgits and doo dingys and hoo has?!  shooting rockets into the sky and such; im not saying your problems will be solved but maybe you should look for lucy up there eh?  Artificially man made everythings is what this generation will be remembered. That is if we are the early age. How foolish, to even think that there's nothing left. humm

so now artist are just going to start selling their CD's online?! what the freakin fuck face! This is because they're trying to go green, and don't get me wrong, im all for going green but this is just ridiculous! i dont know about you, but i would much rather have the CD to hold in my own hands! you know what they have to go green and sell them on the internet? because of all the advancements in technology! WHAT THE HELL! technology is good and bad. but i think it's mostly bad, and i am a hypocrite for saying that because i know i wouldn't be able to live without it now. but look at what it's doing! yeah it makes everything a lot easier but what the hell! our earth is doomed, and there's nothing that can really be done. Why can't everything go back to the good ol days? when people wouldn't lock themselves up in stuffy little places and waste their time being unproductive playing video games all day and looking up useless crap on google?! and buying their clothes online and not really knowing what it's going to look like?! WHAT THE HELL. yes i know i am a hypocrite because i've done all these things, but isn't this the time to act and try to turn things around before we rely too much on technology and not on our own abilities! We're all going to end up like the fat uncapable people on wall e! Aren't we naturally supposed to be able and enjoy what's out there?! instead of saying, oh well, i could watch it on youtube?! and it just makes things too easy for people to make a name for themselves! I know that's not a bad thing, but it's making all of these Not so deserving beings apart of media. as if media is fucked up enough. What are we going to do? 

I can remember being so miserable before, but when i think about those days i think to myself was what i was so miserable about really that horrible?

I've been walking around with a smile on my face lately, and things have been getting better.

It must be the summer like weather.

There's always something that has to be there to bug me though right? Slowly but surely i'm healing.  Old memories just have to be sorted through, thought over and over, until the joke isn't funny anymore. This process was a lot like how Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is. That has to be one of my all time favorite movies, it makes so much nonsense to someone of the bored absent mind, but i Shouldn't be one to talk since I have given myself one. One too many times. But you can't classify me as something that in reality isn't true. If only we were in the real world instead of this rewind of our lives. Stuck in the same place, making the same mistakes from lack of knowledge.

My Birthday is on Tuesday but i hope no one remembers, beacuse i wont be at school, i'll be at disneyland :]  I'm so excited to go! I'm Finally going to be able to meet one of my really good friends Andy! :D Nooo we didn't meet over myspace, but through the phone when my other friend carli called him last summer aha :P

Hopefully i'll be able to go to the warped tour this year! and hopefully the tickets don't get sold out before i can get my hands on them :P I'm planning on watch Chiodos first.. they're playing right? o.o.... and Dance Gavin Dance, Phathom, 3oh!3, Jeffree Star... cause shims gonna be there right?... aha and all the other cool bands that when im watching them i could care less if someones hairy sweaty back is rubbing up against me xD  OH! and im especially looking forward to watching some good ska bands, ska moshes are the best aha :D

 

Listening to: Dance Gavin Dance

 

 

little girl, all you say is hurt

it's time to look around and see everything

perspectives set on just one

today is the day to be made, the day forward, and the day to come back

it's a relapse, a relapse... relapse

 

Why the frown little girl?

why aren't you grateful for everything that they've given you?

spoiled rotten, make something of yourself!

negativity shouldn't take you to the blue part of your brain

but then again, your brain is blue.

 

little girl, look for what's over the edge.

jump jump! be assured that hands will be there

just drain your brain yellow! yellow!

Don't be afraid, see beyond your doubts.

 

It's time to grow up little girl

Something bigger is in store, you just have to work

don't be scared, show no fear

It's a relapse, a relapse...relapse

drain our brains yellow

 

 

 

"Ignorance is bliss, Cherish it"

Flyleaf



"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

Alexander Pope "

Collective thoughts are sold and wasted.
They get people wasted, and isolated.

Not knowing is a safe zone, but why do we yearn for knowledge?
why do we have that sense of curiosity haunting us?

Overwhelming information that we as individuals would be better off without
That we as individuals really don't want be hurt, but really need to know

Cause and effect it really is a funny thing.
How people act towards other people's reactions.

circles circles circles

I'm listening to death cab for Cutie

We haven't spoken in a while.
I'm starting to wonder if there's any connection between us.
I sit and my mouth is filled with feelings.
lots of sugary sweets.

It's an endless search for more n more
plump reflection, bad health
it's all for you.
all for you..

I'll leave this one behind.
just let it go
Her eyes are set to kill

Mouth full of sweets n other things






My parents are back.
home movies and my young cousins make me wonder
these things make me realize

for my brothers third birthday his favorite present was the pink powerranger, he kicked my sister so she would stop touching it. aha

Clouds is the imagery that appears in our minds when we see the world think, right?

My vision isn't very well.
Everything becomes a blur
After that, into the maze i go
Maybe that's why people were made with bad eyesight.
So they can wander deep into their own thoughts, and actually think.

"You've got your options."


& as i witnessed this transaction i felt my heart tear.
& as i realized what i Should have before, my eyes teared.
& as i read this false information, my heart dropped.
... I mean all of our piers have confirmed it.
But of course i compare as second best.
A struggle that is never going to be conquered.

father, brother, mother. all reside on the couch eating their baked potatoes.

Are all these attempts hardly worth it?
2 days until the most melodramatic holiday is all in movement
I put a lot of thought into this card filled with cheese.
An inside joke, is the center of this perfect gift.

Is it true, is there really just embarrassment separating us?
Or is it something else? what is it?
let's make it on time to history class.
Do we have the same class? the same past?
Let's make it on time to History class..

Clocks
Versaemerge

"as we sleep we walk"


And again we have rain.
Is it a symbol of this drifted soul?
Is it a symbol of all of these sad eyes?

With my ignorant mind, there is no way that i can help.
Useless conversations, i wish it didn't have to be that way.
And with all these useless days, I wonder more and more.

Take a look at mine.
Filled with knives and a guarantee for the end.
White snow, is it going to freeze us all?
Call for the airplane, we need to depart.
Doom, Doom.

Running at your transportation.
Something I've wanted to tell you for a while.
Scream it aloud, you cracked.
I Hate You.

Ring Ring, someone's at the door.
Awaken warm, like a theatrical experience.
Something I've been waiting for is only running, running away.

Lay your head back down and leap into that dream cloud.

Like i've told myself a gamillion times before, nothing ever goes according to plan, so why do i always HOPE so much?
and I've Always told myself not to be so HOPEFUL, because the disappointment only gets deeper.

I'm Hooked on phonix. aha.
or you could say muh booy.
Blegh, i feel like such the typical 'Teenage girl'
I HATE IT SO MUCH! I really don't think you really know how much i despise having such these typical feelings.
so average.Is that why I do all of this Shit? So i won't feel so blended? I'm fed up.

Neglected. 

I've been showing a side of me that doesn't usually come out.
More relaxed, No care.
Now this might be good and all,  but not towards everyone

are you mad?
yes.
why?
because i care.
Why?

WHY WHY WHY?
 There's no reason to care.

why should it matter what i do to myself to you? shouldn't you be happy for me that It's making me feel better
we all have our ways of being, and people have different ways of dealing with their thoughts.
I know. I know. I know how bad it is, i know what im getting myself into, but who wants to be stuck in a world, where's there's no meaning to it at all? no one knows WHY we're all here. so we can be screw ups? We are all god's little mice in a maze, looking for cheese. All of this medication was made for a reason. When you do something for a reason, do you want people to tell you that you're dumb and stupid? We're all screw ups, we all make mistakes.

I've never felt so good, but so shitty at the same time
there are two hills behind me; one is tall one is short.
I'm not running, im staying where i am, but all of this would help me feel better.
although i am tired of all of their shit mouths, all you gotta do is deal. and I'm dealing
I'm sorry if i dissappointed you
I'm dissappointed in myself.
But what can we do? What can we do to stop all of this?
Am I who i say? Can i keep a promise that doesn't matter anymore?
I wish i could, and i hope that you can belive me when i say i don't lie.
Is there anyone who can be my doctor?

I've been holding out pretty alright.
There's nothing exciting happening
Everything is coming to a blank
Now I feel like a bottomless pit, just taking in all of this crap, and it is all disappearing
that might seem like quite the good thing, but really, it's not.
Everything is forgotten.
Where is that someone?
Where is that someone now?
Where is that someone what could put a bottom to this bottom less pit.

Circles of exhaustion line the sights
"Tripping eyes and flooded lungs.....Northern Downpour sends its love"

 

There's so much love I can't exchange with you anymore.
So I try and Give it to another, but there's no exchange.
Where do I put all of it? I don't want it to end up in the trash, although some already found it's way there.
My absent mind doesn't save any events anymore. There Isn't anything worth saving without you by my side.
You must be so very fond of her.
What you claim to say, seems like it is all a lie.

"haligh haligh a lie haligh a awful lie"

Sitting in the car, everything felt like a dream. Am i dead? Is this what the afterlife is really like? This is just being unhealthy.

def.exaggerated, and or emotional or sentimental; sensational or sensationalized; over dramatic.

It is. 2:50AM on a Friday morning. It's pretty windy outside. I have to work on homework right now, so I don't have to worry about it over the weekend. Math actually Isn't that bad after you're doing it for about 2 hours. "Sleep is for the weak"  I saw Bring Me the Horizon Perform Diamonds aren't Forever Live on the last day of Warped 08' anddd it was pretty intense, especially since they played at night, and the pit was so clear, with hxc very much alive, Camera flashes making a more personal light show over the faces of each member. Wow imagine meeting Oliver Sykes? shiiiettt o.o

Changing.. is the same as being fake. Or maybe just taking intrest in things that you didn't so much before. I sit here and ponder. Why are all of these aquired old times being brought to my attention? This Image is nothing to you right? These waves of music aren't alluring right? I, in fact no lie, except to everyone including myself, will not take part of this evolution from a cave to a stage. Hate & Expulsion in just an excuse for something you can't handle. There's no telling the future.
...except my friend Katherine Jonas, who seems to know everything.

Reflections
Handshakes and Highfives


A pink face, teary eyed, and sounding like a complete idiot.Unfocused on work. "A.D.D".  Cherish these grins, because tomorrow is expected to change. Today..today was supposed to be the day these regrets were supposed to be left behind. Face to Face with what was already discovered. A strong position to pose in. Is it okay that you don't know? All i want is for that grin to stay. No more woe. Clasp hands and walk away, it won't be that bad. Stating a case that hopefully is processed through perspectives of another. 

I wish I could take back every frown I put on your face, and keep it for myself


I wish I could take every tear that ever fell from your swollen eyes, and make them so they would have never existed.